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“I do not know why I turned to food. Or I do. I was lonely and scared and food offered an immediate satisfaction. Food offered comfort when I needed to be comforted and did not know how to ask for what I needed from those who loved me. Food tasted good and made me feel better. Food was the one thing within my reach.”
There was a lot I couldn’t relate to in renowned author Roxane Gay’s new book, Hunger: A Memoir of (My) Body. As it well should be. I have never lived in Gay’s body — only she has. But the paragraph above hit the nail on the head for me, in a way that I didn’t expect.
I have been fat on and off for the better part of my life, and I still struggle with my weight to this day. As a child, I would gaze down at my thunder thighs with their running lines of cellulite, and imagine what it would be like if a meat cleaver could somehow bloodlessly slice my jiggling fat away. I would huff and puff as I struggled to finish the summary one mile run in gym class clocking in at eleven minutes or more when most classmates finished around eight minutes or fewer. I would be tormented endlessly for my weight, sometimes by other schoolkids, sometimes by friends, and oftentimes by my own relatives. I loved food, and it loved me back. But it was (some days, still is) also my worst enemy.
Because as a 5’0 woman (or 4’11 + 3/4 inch, according to my last official measurement), I’m always a meal at Chilis away from descending into the danger zone on the BMI chart. It just takes two days of stress eating, a few extra slices of pizza here and there before my waistband starts tightening, and the dreaded muffin top of fat bursts from the sides of my jeans. And my shoddy metabolism doesn’t exactly help. (Thanks, genetics!)
And please note, when I’m using the term ‘fat’ here, it’s not as a pejorative. I think of it as classification of one’s body type, and should be no more considered an insult than words like thin, skinny, tall, short, etc. Although I realize that that’s far from the case in the real world, though movements centered around fat positivity are trying to re-embrace the word.
And I only just now realized that the narratives of short fat people — women, more specifically — are rarely, if ever shown on TV. Now, part of this has to do with the fact that Hollywood is comprised of tall people, so the narratives of larger women like Melissa McCarthy and Amy Schumer tend to be those of tall people. Almost always white, cis women too, but Roxane tackles that issue of representation of fat people far better in Hunger than I could do in this short blog post.
Anyway, this book review is more than just a critical analysis of Hunger: it’s also a time for me to take stock of my own internalized fatphobia.
I think the latter half of the book’s title (A Memoir of [My] Body) is so key. My Body. Because Gay’s perspective truly is her own. She doesn’t represent all fat people — nor does she claim to do so. I’ve never been termed ‘morbidly obese’ by the medical community. I’ve never sat in a chair and worried that it would break under my weight. And although I’ve ridden on planes as a child with my now-deceased, obese grandmother, and witnessed the ridicule she bore when she required seat belt extensions, I’ve never borne the brunt of that gaze myself. All of these are the small, everyday humiliations that Gay endures and speaks to in Hunger.
And when I put aside my own reflections, I was able to see Gay’s perspective as one that was totally separate, heartbreaking and utterly unrelatable to my own. I was able to see how different someone’s relationship to food could be from my own. Although Gay and I both sought comfort in food, mine was borne primarily of a hearty appetite and perhaps, earlier on in my life, some low self-esteem issues. I had never thought about how a deep-seated trauma like that Gay endured — she was gang-raped by her boyfriend and his friends at the age of twelve and kept that secret close to her chest — could lead someone to seek solace in food. She associated being pretty with being thin, and thus, being susceptible to the unwanted advance of young men like those who sexually assaulted her. And so, she built a cage out of her body in order to keep the touch of men like those who raped her far, far away.
“I ate and ate and ate in the hopes that if I made myself big, my body would be safe. I buried the girl I was because she ran into all kinds of trouble. I tried to erase every memory of her, but she is still there, somewhere. . . . I was trapped in my body, one that I barely recognized or understood, but at least I was safe.”
She writes poignantly about the sexual assault in a way that makes your heart ache and want to hug teenage Gay. But really, it’s the aftereffects of the rape and everything that followed which makes Hunger so powerful.
And part of its power was in forcing me to resist my own impulses as a (formerly) fat person to talk back when Gay narrates parts of her experience that are foreign to me. When she mentions doctors who dismiss her other valid health concerns and just tell her to lose weight. When she mentions strangers taking items out of her grocery cart. When she talks about how chairs with arm rests painfully constrict her form. When she rolls her eyes at women like me who are have only ever been twenty or thirty pounds overweight. When she mentions that staff at Housing Works — a local New York bookstore where I occasionally volunteer, in full disclosure, though I was not working there when Gay spoke — failed to take into account her physical needs for an event at which she was speaking, thereby forcing her to struggle to climb onto a stage and then hover above a chair that could not accommodate her body.
I learn to bite my tongue. I learn to listen. I learn to accept that the narratives of other fat people are different from my own. I understand my own internalized fatphobia and reluctance to embrace the fat-positive movement better.
But most importantly, I understand Roxane Gay’s story. She has made her readership — which I presume is includes many thin women who have never known what it is like to be mocked for their body weight — understand what is like to be large in a society that deems her to be the Other. A thing to be ridiculed and mocked. She does this through sparse writing that sings. And that’s a powerful thing.
Book Review: 4/5 stars